To all of my Facebook friends: I’m sorry for all of the depressing posts. I don’t mean to worry or annoy you.
To my coworkers: I’m sorry I haven’t been giving my 100% recently, especially today. I try to always put my best foot forward, and I know I’ve been stumbling and tripping over my own feet (at times, literally.)
To all of my teachers, past and present: You’ve had an impact on me that will last a lifetime, and I try to reflect on your lectures and advice in times when I know I’m falling short. Chef, our talk really shed some light on my situation, and I’m sorry I’ve been falling behind all quarter; I know it’s unfair to all of my chef instructors and classmates. But I’m trying really, really, hard.
To all of my family, biological and otherwise (The Leepers, the Holmes/Adams, the Naars, the Howards, the D’Alessios, the Warpenburgs): I’m sorry I don’t do as good of a job at keeping in touch as I should. I also know that I’m really horrible at asking for help, so right now I’m going to ask you to please bear with me, because I need all of you and your support so much right now. I don’t always tell you how much I love you guys, but you really are my backbone.
To my friends: I know I’ve exhausted my efforts in trying to maintain certain friendships, and I’m sorry for not giving some of you guys a call every once in a while. Even though most of you are off at college as well, it wouldn’t hurt to try to get together or Skype every now and then.
To my best friends: I can’t express how sorry I am for closing you off and shutting you out when I’m at my worst. Sometimes, I just feel like I’m contagious and I don’t want to hinder you from your own pursuits. But I love you more than you will ever know.
Bumpkin, Lin Shu, and Muffin: Thank you for everything.
To my mom, who would have been 46 today: I’m sorry. I’m trying to take the steps I need to become the kind of woman you hoped I would be, and sometimes it’s hard without you here to push me and guide me and console me. But I’m trying as hard as I can to make you proud. I promise.
I felt like I needed to apologize to so many people, but I also want everyone to know that despite how careless I can be when I post statuses that are concerning to the people who care about, love, and instruct me, I’m going to be okay.
I am depressed. And I’m working on it everyday. Sometimes it hits me, and it hits me really hard. Sometimes I can conceal it behind smiles. Sometimes it diminishes when others are making me laugh. Sometimes, it’s not even there at all. Until it hits me again.
I’m working on breaking this cycle. I’m just asking that everyone please bear with me. But don’t be afraid to be honest and tell me to shut up if I’m whining, or to remind me to be appreciative of what I have. I just wanted to let everyone know that I recognize that I’m not where I should be, but even though I’m as self-aware as I am, sometimes I need to be reminded that I’m not alone.